Buhtt sex?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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