Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
