Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Everything about him screamed your future.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
