you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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