i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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