She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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