I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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