Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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