So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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