Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
