Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
