i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
