It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
