Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
