We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
God, I missed his penis.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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