When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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