Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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