mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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