great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
