so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
