His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
