Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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