seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Randomize
