I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He's on the porch naked. Help.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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