i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
