If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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