My liver just broke up with me...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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