My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
