he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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