dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
