I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
