I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
