PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
