she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
