remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
