I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
time to smoke my breakfast
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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