Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
