Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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