I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
