i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
