Do you still have your period?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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