She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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