I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
