Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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