i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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