okay pat passed out under dana's car
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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