Small penises have feelings too.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
this hospital has no fireball
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
