i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
