I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize