It was confusing and full of hummus
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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