It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
