what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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