Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
