i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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